are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Randomize
