Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
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