I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Did I show you my penis last night?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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