He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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