You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
sex in a hospital.. check
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
