I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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