Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
