I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
