We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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