don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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