What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
