if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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