Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
