Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Congratulations! We have a period
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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