My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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