this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
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