I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Randomize
