I'm really into asian looking animals
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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