dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
