He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
