I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
