Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
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