help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
