Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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