Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
