Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
