Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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