he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
