so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
