Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
