How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
