i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
We just shotgunned beers for America
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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