my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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