Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
