I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
