I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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