Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
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