I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
where does the pee come out of this thing
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
