Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
