Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
