id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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