My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
