why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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