Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
