his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The beer is more important than you right now.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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