Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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