I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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