i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
