i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
