Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
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You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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