Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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