life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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