Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
