we have pet lesbian snakes
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
