went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You have to summon your inner elephant
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize
