i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
