The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
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I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
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ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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