Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
