Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
